Wow - I really appreciate that. Thank you.
Aunt Jemimah had to die for your syrup.
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Comments
Thank you very much for your criticism. I'll keep in mind for my next work the advice you have provided.
And the ending, I just wanted to avoid the most cliche ending of them all, that being the haunted, nonexistent child, or renewed family acceptance. Maybe it could have been done better. I do however hope to get something out of this :)
That's true about the ending. I don't really know how you could have made it really gripping.
Let's just say that the last paragraph was a nice attempt to round off the loose threads in an original manner, and leave it at that.
Thanks a lot. I agree completely with your criticisms, it is cliche and the idea has been done a million times over; I'll work on some distinctive twist.
I really appreciate you reading and commenting on my story. I think you brought a very interesting perspective and very good criticism. When you write something yourself, you often put things together in your head that you don't readily describe a scene or a situation because you feel you don't need to. I completely understand how the details of my story, while seeming complete in my mind, didn't translate onto paper (or computer, as is the case).
Also, I had no idea I was overusing my wine of choice. In applying your suggestions and editing my story more, I have found it to be a much better version. Thank you!
Wow. You're awesome for putting so much effort into this. I look forward to reading your critique of my story. (Being near the bottom of the list is the price I pay for waiting until the last day to submit.)
I'm next! Yay!
Alright I agree with your criticism. After I submitted the story I read it for the first time since I posted it in my userpage. I realized that the whole story was made up of run-on sentences and the use of "and then" quite often. I am actually kind of thinking about making a sequel, or maybe re-writing that one. In the re-written one I would of course describe the character better, and hopefully make it easier to read.
One of the reasons for my submission being so crappy could be due to the fact that I wrote it early last year, when I was 12. I know thats not really an excuse since most 12 year olds should be writing better than that.
Anyway, thanks for judging my submission and for the constructive criticism.
I apologize if I came off as harsh; that was not my intention.
Yea, thanks for reading and criticising my submission. I agree fully with what you saying...
Don't want to make this sound like an excuse; but I think I was holding back on descriptive writing when it came to this story, which makes me ask myself; why did I enter this submission.
A lot of what you are saying is frustrating for me, because I knew that if I really wanted I could make a harsher more gritty truth about the place, but I couldn't bring myself to writing thoughts I had for fear of being thought of as a weirdo.
The strangeness of that place is almost impossible to put into words.
Thanks again.
Yah! Last on the list! Then again, I submitted it three hours after the original deadline so I can't complain.
I am NOT reading all this!!!
whatty
WHAT! Theme one. THEME ONE! Maybe I should have stayed at home. How in god's name does this not fit the theme.
Gum on shoe himself said that he hopes they fit....
Oh my god... This sucks. I though theme one was 'Yeah, I'm starting to wish I didn't leave home today.' I can't believe I miss read that. I feel stupid, and very very angry.
Lord, have pity on my soul.
Bolo
You know, I think your story can still fit. I just read it, and I think it can fit the theme "I wish I hadn't left THAT at home today" as well as "I wish I hadn't left home today."
The object you could interpret as having left at home is your own self-restraint, which is a noun, and thus can be defined as "that". In the sense that (at least as I gleaned from your story) you were tempted and entranced by the girl / prostitute almost to the point of running away with her, your self-restraint was something that you really wish you hadn't left back in Ireland before you journeyed to Kolkata.
I'm putting you back into the judging rotation as a contestant who has the capability to win. I'll talk to GoS if there are any problems.
You're welcome.